Where are you?
In a non slutty way
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
