I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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