I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
