i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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