Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize