I haven't been this sober since birth.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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