Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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