i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If I die, sorry about rent.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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