I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
