I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
