wat bout pragnant strippers??
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
