I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
