Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
