my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
