my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he was CRYING into my vagina
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
