I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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