Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
