Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
