So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
