Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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