He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
