just come out here and I will go home with you...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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