i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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