If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
