I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
