She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
