Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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