how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
