My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's official drugs can't kill me
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
