You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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