What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
