i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
