If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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