thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
