I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I want to have your abortion
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
