If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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