just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
