Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You're like the curious george of whores
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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