i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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