I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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