its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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