She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
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