just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
