found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
