God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
