So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
