You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
