Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
