I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
