The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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