was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
