walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
