Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If its not for food we ain't going out.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
