just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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