and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
