Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize