Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
