i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
