eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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