My sheets look like a crime scene.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
it was like eating out sand paper
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
