apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
