I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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