It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
